It ’s 9 o’clock in the good morning , and I ’m in line at the grocery store with a go-cart full of 20 - ounce bottom of beer . I have about three unlike kinds , the cheapest I could feel . I ’m distinctly going for amount , not timber . The chequer give me a suspicious but pitying look . The wretched woman , she ’s probably thinking . She ’s go to go home and pledge herself into a stupor while take in reruns of “ Desperate Housewives . ”I want to state her I do n’t drink cheap beer ( I am a patriotic Lagunitas fan ) and that I never determine “ Desperate Housewives . ” I want to differentiate her I demand all this beer because I ’m at warfare .
The day before , I skitter down the path to theFortress Garden , excited about my Modern artichoke plants . I had build four palatial plantation owner boxes at the northerly bound of the garden fencing so that when they reached their full size of about 4 - by-4 foot , they would n’t shade off the other plant . Being perennial , I expected that my new infant would be with me for years to come , sprouting bagsful of luscious , briary artichoke . artichoke are one of my favorite veggie . They ’re chock full of potassium , vitamin K , iron , cop , folic acid , antioxidant and all variety of other goodies . Also , they are delicious with mayo mixed with a dash of curry powder .
But alas ! My darlings attend peaked . No , sorry than unwell … like death warm over , drooping woefully and with large bites taken out of their lovely silvery leafage ! One poor plant life had most of the ship’s boat foliage manducate aside , pull up stakes a bundle of bare stalks . I nearly wept .
Bending over , I parted the stem and peered into the plant ’s interior . Something impress . I displume the stalks apart further and saw the earwig scud deep . earwig ! Ihateearwigs . Next to Solanum tuberosum bugs , they rank at the top of my list of Most Gross and Disgusting Insects . They have a shudder - inducing component that ’s off the charts . Those shiny shell ! Those pointy pinchy affair ! The stories about them crawling intoears , for crying out loud . Ewww ! I jump out back from my beloved Cynara scolymus in repugnance .
This was war . I unsheathed my pet weapon system ( the Internet ) and design my attempt . footstep 1 was to go into the garden at nighttime and pick the nasty small sucker off by helping hand . Dragging my pardner Danny with me for moral support , and just in case the caption of the Were - Earwig was true , we crept up on the globe artichoke and blare them with our flashlight ray .
earwig were everywhere — and I meanEVERYWHERE . Hundreds of them , skittering around in that disgusting room they do . I had tohand - pickthese thing ? But I love artichokes , so I started flop in , pinching them off the plant and smash up them against the side of the planter boxes . It took about 30 seconds for me to fully bosom the hand - picking construct . In moment , I was yelling things like , “ Die , you nasty mothers ! ” and “ I will crush you until your ancestors feel it ! ” and “ Feel the searing pain of my wrath ! ” as I smashed earwig after earwig .
It was somewhere around this point that I observe Danny back away from me nervously . “ Um … honey ? ” he said , “ You ’re scare off me a short bit . ” Reluctantly , I toned it down . After awhile , we appear to have destroyed all the earwigs we could find . It was prison term for step 2 : come-on and drown .
concord to my research , one of the best baits for earwigs ( and lick and escargot , as a bonus ) is beer . Take an old tuna can , twist it down until its top border is flush with the dirt , fill it half - full of beer , and those party beast earwigs ca n’t resist diving in and drowning miserably . Hurray !
So there I was , the very next daybreak , loading up on cheap brewskis and wiggle excitedly in the checkout line . I ’m sure the chequer thinks I ’m jonesing for my breakfast drinkable , but I ’m just eager to get my beer traps in before the Evil Earwig Empire does any more harm . I ’m also thinking about design a battle sword lily , maybe crossed beer bottles above the remains of an earwig , with a garland of artichoke leaves .
Keep the bugs in your own garden at bay :
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